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The Mad Tea Party (Alice version)
After walking through the woods, Alice had finally found a house which she believes could be the Fox Hatter and the March Cat's house. "How very curious!" Alice cried. She walked to the gate that was the side of the house to see who could be singing. She saw that there was a long table, with a pink tablecloth and many and many teapots and cups and many more things. Sitting around the table were two animals that seem happy. They were Honest John (a fox with red fur, wearing an old top hat, a green suit, and a blue cloak. He also carries a cane) and Gideon (a cat with brown fur, a cream muzzle, and blue eyes, wearing a gray top hat, a dirty yellow trench coat, purple pants, and white opera gloves. He also carries a cane), and right now, they were singing a song, while steam was coming out of the teapots, playing along with the song. Gideon: ...to us. A very know what day today is tea forget of us? Honest John: A very merry unbirthday... Gideon: A very merry unbirthday... Honest John and Gideon: A very merry unbirthday to uuuuuussss... As a solo was taking place, Alice looked from behind the chair and saw the teapots dancing around. She tried to look at the guests of the party, but the steam was in the way. So she looked down through the teapots. Gideon: Aaaaa... very Merry Unbirthday to me. Honest John: To who? Gideon: To me! Honest John: Oh you! Gideon: A very merry unbirthday to you. Honest John: Who me? Gideon: Yes you! Honest John: Oh me! Gideon: Let's all congratulate us With another cup of tea. A very merry unbirthday... Toooooooooooooooooooooooo... Yooooooouuuuuuuu... When the song was over, Alice applauded. Honest John and Gideon noticed that Alice was there. They sprang from their chairs and jumped from chair to chair over to her, saying, "No room, no room, no room!" Alice sat down on a chair in confusion and protested, "But I thought there was plenty of room." "Ah, but it's very rude to sit down without being invited!" Gideon said. Honest John said in agreement, "I say it's rude! It's very, very rude indeed. Hah!" A white kitten named Marie, who was wearing a pink bowtie on her head and a pink bow on her neck, peeked out of a teapot and repeated in a sleepy voice, "Very, very, very rude indeed..." Alice figures that they had a point, so she apologized, saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I did enjoy your singing and I wondered if you could tell me..." Gideon jumped on the arm of the chair Alice was sitting on and said, "You enjoyed our singing?" "Oh, what a delightful child!" Honest John said. "Hah! I'm so excited, we never get compliments! You must have a cup of tea." "Ah, yes indeed!" Gideon agreed. "You must have a cup of tea!" "That would be very nice. And I'm sorry that I interrupted your birthday party." Alice said, as Gideon gave her the tea. "Thank you." Gideon then grabbed the tea back and said, "Birthday? Ha, ha, ha! My dear child, this is not a birthday party." Then Honest John picked up a teapot and poured tea, as he said, "Of course not. He-he-he. This is an unbirthday party." "Unbirthday?" Alice said in confusion. "Why, I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand." "It's very simple," Gideon explained. "See, thirty days have Sept-no, when..." Gideon scratched his head. "An unbirthday, if you have a birthday, then you..." Then he laughed how hard it is to explain. "She doesn't know what an unbirthday is!" Honest John replied, "How silly... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... Ah-hum..." He coughed a little and used a tea pot to spray some steam to clear his throat. "I shall elucidate!" Gideon used a spoon as a baton to conduct the tea pots into music. Honest John: Now statistics pove, prove that you've one birthday. Gideon: Imagine, just one birthday every year. Honest John: Ahhh, but there are over 364 unbirthdays. Gideon: Precisely, why we're gathered here to cheer! And, since today wasn't Alice's birthday, Alice got up and said, "Well, then today is my unbirthday too." "It is?" said Gideon, looking surprised. "What a small world this is." Honest John commented. "In that case..." Gideon said, before he and Honest John jumped out of their seats and started to dance around Alice. Gideon: A very merry unbirthday. Alice: To me? Honest John: To you. He takes off his hat to present a big pink cake trim in white with a burning candle on top. Gideon: A very merry unbirthday. Alice: For me? Honest John: For you. Honest John gives Alice the cake. Now blow out the candle out, my dear, And make your wish come true! He picks some icing up with his finger and licked it off, with a laugh. Alice blew the candle out and it started to flare like a fuse. In fact, to Alice's surprise, the cake launched to the sky like a skyrocket. Honest John and Gideon: A very merry unbirthday to you... The cake exploded with many pretty colors like fireworks, much to Alice's delight. Out of the smoke, descended Marie with a tiny umbrella tied on her. Marie: Twinkle, twinkle little bat How I wonder what your at Up above the world you fly Like a tea tray in the sky... Marie landed in a tea pot and Gideon closed the pot. Alice clapped and said, "Oh, that was lovely!" Honest John dipped his saucer in a teacup and said, "And uh, now my dear, he-he, uh...you were saying that you would like to sit, uh...? Pardon me." He then took a bite of the saucer. And he continued. "You were seeking some information of some kind...he-he!" Gideon gave Alice a cup of tea, as Alice accepted it and said, "Oh yes. You see, I'm looking for a..." Honest John then called out, "Clean cup, clean cup! Move down, move down, move down!" as he threw his cups in the air as did Gideon. Gideon grabbed Alice by the hand and made her stand up and follow. Alice said in confusion, "But I haven't used my cup!" Gideon: Clean cup, clean cup... Move down, move down... Clean cup, clean cup... Move down... Honest John picked up a teapot with three spouts on each level of the height. As he poured tea in three cups, he asked Alice, "Would you like a little more tea?" Alice tried to get some tea out of a teapot that has no spout, as she explains, "Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more..." Gideon took the teapot, cracked the teapot, and poured tea in Alice's cup. "Ahhh, you mean you can't very well take less!" Gideon corrected her. Honest John scooped a spoon full of sugar and poured it into Alice's cup, then poured all the whole sugar pot in the cup, too much, in fact, that it overflowed. "Yes! You can always take more than nothing!" Honest John agreed. Alice took the cup and said, "But I only meant that..." She was about to sip it, but the sugar was not allowing her to. Honest John held four cups of full tea, and tossed a teapot after filling the fourth one on top. "And now, my dear, something seems to be troubling you," he said, as he took a sip of the teacup at the bottom. "Uh, won't you tell us all about it?" "Start at the beginning." Gideon said. "Yes, yes," Honest John agreed. "And when you come to the end, heh, heh, heh, heh, stop! See?" "Well, it all started when I was sitting on the riverbank with Dinah," Alice began. "Very interesting," Gideon said, as he drank some tea, but then slammed the tea down quick with an excited expression. "Who's Dinah?" "Well, Dinah is my cat, just like you," Alice explained. "You see..." Right when Alice said 'cat', Marie poked her head out of the teacup, as she shouted, "Cat?" and then started to go nuts in panic and started to run around the table. "Cat! Cat! Cat..." Marie was crying as everybody except Alice went after Marie to calm her down. Honest John and Gideon jumped and grabbed Marie by the tail. Gideon then said, "Hurry! Give the jam! Quickly! Give the jam!" Alice didn't need a second invite and went for the jam. "On her nose, on her nose!" Honest John instructed her, as Alice scooped some jam up with a knife and smothered it on Marie's nose, making her calm down, even as she said, "Where's the cat..." Honest John sighed in relief and said, "Oh. Oh, my goodness! Those are the things that upset me!" Gideon poured some tea and stops the pouring by plugging the flow with his tail, as he said, "See all the trouble you've started?" Alice received the cup and said, "But, really, I didn't think..." "Ah, but that's the point," Gideon said. "If you don't think, you shouldn't talk!" Alice was about to drink her tea, when Honest John shouted, "Clean cup, clean cup! Move down, move down, move down!" "But I still haven't used..." Alice began to protest, as they moved down. Gideon: Move down, move down, move down... "And now, my dear, as you were saying?" Honest John asked. "Oh, yes," Alice said. "I was sitting on the riverbank with, uh..." She whispered into Honest John's ear, "With you-know-who." Honest John said in excitement, "I do? Heh, heh, heh, heh..." "I mean my C...A...T..." Honest John then pulled out a teapot and said, "Tea?" Gideon then cut a cup in half with a knife and said, "Just half a cup, if you don't mind." Honest John poured Gideon some tea into the half cup. "Come, come my dear," Honest John said, with a laugh. "Don't you care for tea?" "Why, yes," Alice began, "I'm very fond of tea, but..." "If you don't care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation!" Gideon said. "Well, I've been trying to ask you..." Alice began. "I have an excellent idea," Gideon said. "Let's change the subject!" He then bonked Honest John's hat onto his head with a mallet. Honest John popped the top of his hat half off and asked, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" Alice then said in confusion, "Riddles? Let me see now. Why is a raven like a writing desk?" Honest John then said, "I beg your pardon?" "Poe writes on both!" Alice answered. Honest John then said in panic, "Poe writes on what?" Gideon jumped on Honest John and said, "Careful! She's stark raving mad!" Alice got up and said, "But-but it's your silly riddle! You just said..." Honest John and Gideon backed away from Alice. "Very good?" asked Honest John, as he tried to use a chair to defend himself. Gideon nervously held out a cup of tea, saying, "How about a nice cup of tea?" Alice then yelled in frustration, "Have a cup of tea, indeed! Well, I'm sorry, but I just haven't the time!" Gideon then shouted out, "The time! The time! Who's got the time?" Then, Timothy came in, saying in panic, "No, no, no, no! No time, no time, no time! Hello, good-bye! I'm late! I'm late!" Alice was surprised that the mouse actually came to this mad tea party, as Alice said, "The brown circus mouse!" Timothy took out his watch and said, "Oh, I'm so late! I'm so very, very late!" Then, Honest John yanked the watch out of the mouse's pocket, also, yanking the mouse's neck. "Well, no wonder you're late," Honest John said, as he examined the watch. "Why, this clock is exactly two days slow!" "Two days slows?" asked Timothy. "Of course you're late!" Honest John said, as he dipped the watch in a teapot then slammed it on the table, removing the face of the watch and laughed, as he said, "My goodness. We'll have to look into this." Honest John placed a saltshaker in his eye and looked down at the watch, making salt pour all over the watch. "Aha!" Honest John said. "I see what's wrong with it! Why, this watch is full of wheels!" He then started digging out all the gears and springs with a fork. The mouse couldn't believe what was happening. As if his house being burnt wasn't bad enough. "Oh, my poor watch! Oh, my wheels! My springs!" Timothy yelled, as he grabbed some springs and wheels as one spring got caught on his nose, before he stuttered, "But-but-but-but, but-but-but..." "Butter," Honest John said. "Of course, we need some butter! Butter!" "Butter!" Gideon yelled into Timothy's ear. "But-But-Butter?" Timothy said, as he spotted a tray of butter and picked it up. Honest John took the butter from the mouse and said, "Butter, oh, thank you, butter. Ha-ha. Yes, that's fine." He then started to spread butter all over the clock's face. Timothy then yelled in panic, "Oh-no-no, no-no-no, you'll get crumbs in it!" "Oh, this is the very best butter," Honest John said, as he slammed the butter in the mouse's face. "What are you talking about?" Gideon then said, "Tea?" "Tea!" Honest John said, as he poured tea on the watch. "Oh, I never thought of tea! Of course!" "No!" Timothy said, as Honest John said, "Tea," and laughed, as the mouse said, "No! Not tea!" Gideon blocked the mouse's way with his foot and said, "Sugar?" Honest John replied, "Sugar. Two spoons, yes, ha, two spoons. Thank you, yes." He took two spoons and slammed them on the watch. "Oh, please! Be careful!" Timothy said. "Jam?" Gideon asked, as he handed the jam to the mouse. Honest John took the jam from Timothy and said, "Jam, I forgot all about jam!" He poured the jam on the watch and spread it around. "No, no!" Timothy said. "Not jam!" "Yes, sure you want," Honest John said, "it's nice to see." "Mustard?" asked Gideon, as he balanced a jar of mustard on his foot. "Mustard? Yes, but..." Honest John began, before he stopped and said, "Mustard? Don't let's be silly!" He tossed the mustard, took a lemon, and poured it into the clock, as he said, "Lemon, that's different, that's..." Then he closed the watch and used a butter knife to slice off the jam, as he said, "There. That should do it." Then, the watch started to go haywire and jump around. "Look at that!" Honest John exclaimed. "It's going mad!" Gideon said. "Oh, my goodness!" Alice said, looking worried. "Oh dear!" Timothy said. "It's going mad!" Gideon said, as the clock jumped about. "Mad watch!" "I don't understand," Honest John said, "it's the best butter." "Mad watch! Mad watch! Mad watch!" Gideon shouted. "Oh, look!" Honest John exclaimed, as it went crazy. "Oh, my goodness!" Gideon lifted his hammer and said, "There's only one way to stop a mad watch!" He slammed the watch, destroying it completely. Now, it's nothing but a small pile of junk. Honest John stared at it, before he said, nonchalantly, as he passed the watch to Timothy, "Two days slow, that's what it is." "Oh, my watch..." Timothy said, getting all teary-eyed. "It was?" asked Honest John. "And it was my unbirthday present too..." Timothy added. "Well, in that case..." Honest John said, as he and Gideon grabbed the mouse and prepared to throw him out of the garden. Honest John and Gideon: A very Merry Unbirthday Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... you. Honest John and Gideon tossed Timothy out of the garden and waved goodbye to him as Alice tried to catch up to the mouse. "Mister Mouse!" Alice yelled, as she ran out of the party. "Oh, Mister Mouse! Oh, now where did he go to?" Then, she heard the tea party song again. She turned and glared at Honest John and Gideon, before she stormed off and Alice muttered, "Of all the silly nonsense, this is the stupidest tea party I've ever been to in all my life." Category:Fan Fiction